Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
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I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*