I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.