I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.