I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Finally!
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit