@hiitsmolly: "I could probz bench press, like, five of you"-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
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@AaronFullerton: I didn't see San Andreas because I heard there's not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, "It's not your fault."
@IziBoy121: I bought a blowup doll today, but I won't blow her up until tomorrow. I don't want to seem desperate.
@shegotagronk: It's so beautiful outside. I should probably do something...Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my computer screen.
@Tommytoughstuff: [the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!