“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
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My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.