“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
You Might Also Like
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what