“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
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I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
screw you
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go