I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
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me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me if I was a dog
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
The government even made aliens boring
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”