@aveuaskew: I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
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@Contwixt: My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age. So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl. Tik Tok.
@KyleMcDowell86: [Elephant at a party] Nice piano! [me] thanks [Elephant] What are the keys made of? [Me] Uhh.. [Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
@lwhit_the_boss: My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he's actually a bag of Cheetos
@bossy_bootz: Red light : Stop Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go