I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
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Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My dating profile:
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?