I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
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Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
and this one
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.