I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅