Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
That’s what I call a flat tire
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!