I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.