I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
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Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond