Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
You Might Also Like
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers