@FattMernandez: I couldn't be trusted with a time machine. I'd get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.
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@Marlebean: Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot? ... Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
@flashember: WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt. THERAPIST: Is this true? PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT'S TRUE I'M A BALL OF NEEDLES
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You wouldn't believe the day- *puts TV remote to my ear* Hello? Hey Bob- [hand covering remote] -sorry honey, I have to take this.
@Marcmywords2: Hey dad, the hospital called, patients are trying to rest, could you please turn down your television.