@FattMernandez: I couldn't be trusted with a time machine. I'd get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.
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@JessObsess: Him: sex tonight? Me: Work put me in a bad mood Him: tomorrow? Me: I have a headache tomorrow
@PeaceInTruth1: Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir. Me: Do you walk with a limp? Telemarketer: No. Me: Want to? Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.