If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
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James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming