I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
A game married people play.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*