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@Iwriteforcats: I couldn't bear it anymore. Lol.
- Bear suicide note.
@Brampersandon_: ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I'd love you this much if we had a pool.
@Reverend_Scott: Satan: "Waaazzz up?"
God: "Speak of the Devil."
God: "Sorry, figure of speech."
Satan: "Jesus Christ."
@Spaziotwat: Deodorant? I've never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
@WritePlay: TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it