I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
You Might Also Like
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.