Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.