I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
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Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
ME (calling my horse with no name):
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.