@Kennedydp5: I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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@gerryhallcomedy: A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless" since then. People are pissed.
@ScottWesterfeld: Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
@SummerCandyEyes: I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting "wrong hole!!" at inappropriate times, like when you're eating.