@Kennedydp5: I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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@Dildotron: [planning for wedding] i found us a remote location "Omg where?" *points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV* The remote goes there now
@Jandalize: There's no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you're blowing up a rubber glove.
@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."
@GraceSpelman: My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it