I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
subtitles are so good nowadays
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.