@Kennedydp5: I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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@internetluke: [sex ed in middle school] Teacher: "Today we are having sex ed" Ed: hell yeah we are! Teacher: "Education"
@aka_fatman: Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
@corysnearowski: My wife is upset we can't afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving