I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Welcome to the stomach
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking