I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
new record!
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.