I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Good news
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
The smoothest fall of all time
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.