i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Oh yeah that’s it