i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
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Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Terribly Tuesday.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.