i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
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If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
accurate