I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out