@WilliamAder: If your kid eats the chocolate bunny's feet first, "so it can't get away," that's your future serial killer right there.

@hello_saylor: As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

@theDanLawler: New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I'll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much

@captainkalvis: friend: whats the matter me: just found out i have a latex allergy friend: oh shit that means you can't- me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons

@cwhudson: [Olive Garden] PATRON: there are so many types of pasta WAITER: [required to say this] yes...*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless