@girlontapas: I could've chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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@WilliamAder: If your kid eats the chocolate bunny's feet first, "so it can't get away," that's your future serial killer right there.
@hello_saylor: As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
@theDanLawler: New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I'll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much
@captainkalvis: friend: whats the matter me: just found out i have a latex allergy friend: oh shit that means you can't- me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons