@girlontapas: I could've chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@my_minivan_life: "Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs." "Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?" "That's cool."
@topaz_kell: If you're upset with someone, write down your feelings in a message. Put the message in a bottle. Hit them over the head with the bottle.
@TweetingDadGuy: When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
@longwall26: I like microwaves that spin the food around because I'm all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.