How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
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every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.