@WhosTheresa: I could've had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.
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@WilliamAder: If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
@JaneBadall: In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I'd soaked with chloroform.
@brittwastaken: I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end. -The inventor of massage
@ryangriffiths: I don't think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me "just be yourself".