I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
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Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird