I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!