@abrianmc: I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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@AristotlesNZ: Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim's ringtone.
@uncle_fescue: Buddy: her boyfriend was killed? Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I'm like, who even kills horses like that?
@Barknado69: Friend: just make small talk *later, on date* Me: so...grains of sand Her: uh yea- Me: dwarves Her: are u okay- Me: bottle caps