@dukelongboard: I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say "I got this" as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face
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@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway? me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car
@lilgapeach32: Who decided "have a happy period" was an okay thing to put on a tampon box? "Manslaughter is illegal" would've been more relevant.
@ashmensch: It's the remix to ignition, I'm a terrible magician, I cut your grandma in half, And now my rabbit is missing.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [dog wedding] [Bride throws bouquet into crowd] [Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride] [Bride throws bouquet again] [Groom catches..