@dukelongboard: I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say "I got this" as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face
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@Brampersandon_: CASHIER: $57.85 ME: do u accept food stamps C: of course M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
@GensPlace: When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.
@AnotherFunnyGuy: Her: Dude, back off. You're totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym. Me: You do realize I'm your boyfriend right?
@ItsLaTourette: When you say '' friends with benefits'' I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store