My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
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financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
uh oh
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Yup….perfect score!
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My what?
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them