Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
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I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!