I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
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First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Customer is always right
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
*jazz hands*
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?