I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
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Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.