@badbanana: I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
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@JohnLyonTweets: -Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas? -I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a— -I was asking the boy, sir.
@TheTweetOfGod: I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.
@rolldiggity: If you're in a bar and a newscaster says, "Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene," don't shout, "It was an action figure!"
@cwhudson: [Olive Garden] PATRON: there are so many types of pasta WAITER: [required to say this] yes...*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless