I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
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[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.