I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.