I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
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I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh