@FuckabillyRex: I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.
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@ThisLocalHater: I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
@Flykins: COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"
@joejwest: ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair YOU: Ok ME: [drinks from toilet like dog] YOU: You've made your point I'll wash up some glasses
@WittySassBasket: I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor 'hey, where'd your watch go?'