Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
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“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more