I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
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He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
just left a huge legacy in there
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.