I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
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edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.