@crylenol: I crunched the numbers and this is just incredible. what isn't he telling us. #Sharknado3
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@joci2203: [first date] Him: Why are you being so distant? Me: Why didn't you order a side of guacamole?
@HallpassCanada: Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can't spot the douche at work today, then it's probably you.
@TheRolo: Nurse: You can come inside now. *Stands up* *Dusts off jacket* *Straightens bow tie* *Fastens cufflinks* *Ahem* "That's what she said"
@TweetsByTheTony: [ouija board] Who are you? *board begins spelling* G-R-E-E-N--M-A-R-I-O What the -- a Luigi Board?! W-A-H-O-O--I-T-S-A--M-E