@_Water_Baby: I cry way more when I'm angry than when I'm sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
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@iwearaonesie: wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week* kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
@FunnyCauseImFat: My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house"
@daemonic3: [pharmacy] "I'd like a refill for this bottle of pills" PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof? "No thanks, I already believe in children"