I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
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We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
You are what you delete.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Does beer think about me too?
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats