I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
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Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.