I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
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Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?