The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
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It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
<- sleeps well with others
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Close call…
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.