*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram