@SharkJelly: *I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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@hippieswordfish: *suddenly awakes* honey! i just had a nightmare that i was naked at a job interview, licking BBQ sauce off the guy's face interviewer: ummm
@Wtftab: I've got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
@squirrel74wkgn: She says, the kids want to go to the circus. I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid's closet wearing a clown costume.
@Megatronic13: Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS! Me: *puts hands out* Cop: wait... are you the hand model for Rolex? Me: *blushing* guilty Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone's gonna have to serve some TIME