@lilgapeach30: I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.
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@carlyken: I'm trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he's pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
@thepunningman: Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water Waiter: No problem, I'll get you a new one Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
@WildeThingy: Boss "I'm looking for a volunteer." Me *chops off own legs "I can't!" Co-worker "I'm busy, sorry." Me "damn, that's a better excuse."
@iwearaonesie: me *sneezes* cw: Bless you me *sneezes* cw: Allergies? [flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to] me: Yeah, I guess so