I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂